CrowBiz

…funk for the old soul…

Clever Recipes for Savvy Folks

Posted by crowbiz on June 17, 2009

We’re all busy, so who couldn’t use a few helpful tips around the cucina?

Crappacino Automatico

 

Preferred in blind taste tests

Preferred in blind taste tests

No time to hit the local coffee venue today?  Fear not, a premium drink is seconds away.  Take 8 oz of any coffee you have on hand – even old stuff, ’cause you’re going to whip it into something new – and pour into a significantly larger container.  Add milk or any milky substance.  Insert straw and blow like you’re 8 years old and trying to make as many bubbles as you can before mom scolds you.  Blow again.  And again.  Harder, you wuss.  Decant into a smaller cup.  Charge yourself $4.75 and go sit at a wobbly metal table.

 

 

Sloth Pot Pie

 

The other two-toed meat

The other two-toed meat

This will bowl people over like you can’t believe.  Good for upscale potlucks.  Travel to a tropical locale in the Western Hemisphere and catch one sloth, either two- or three-toed variety.  This should be easy, as sloths are one of the slowest-moving creatures on earth; you could knock one out of a tree, or if you’re especially lucky, catch one on the ground, as sloths can barely crawl and wouldn’t even stand a chance against a pursuer in a nonmotorized wheelchair.  Dispatch and skin.  You can save the hide for Halloween gags or dry it in the sun to make one of those doorside boot-scrapers to get the mud off your shoes.  Dice and bake with blah blah ingredients for blah blah etc.  Since “tastes like chicken” has been hopelessly overdone, pass it off as “free-range, organic wild boar” and you’ll be legit for the first three descriptors.  This will also garner you plenty of yuppified brownie points (“exotic ingredients, yet a humble preparation!”).  I don’t suggest you actually eat it, unless you find yourself in an Amazonian prison camp and manage to bag a sloth that wanders on to the premises.  Anyone who’s eaten sloth is welcome to leave a comment.

 

Virtuous Snack Bait-and-Switch

 

Why?  Why?

Why? Why?

This isn’t so much a recipe as a strategy.  It was inspired by a real life episode at a party of odd factions.  Someone brought a bag of “Tings,” a pitiful puffed food product intended to be a healthy version of Cheetos for people with no sense or tastebuds.  One disappointed party-goer opened the bag with resignation when suddenly she spied Cool Ranch Doritos across the room.  “Fuck the Tings, there’s Doritos!” she cried, flinging the pretenders aside.  Here’s how to make yourself look good and score better snacks for yourself, although it does involve risk.  Purchase an overpriced, “natural” or organic snack food to bring to a party.  Assuming you aren’t beaten up at the door, you’ll be highly regarded as healthy, concerned, wealthy, or all three.  Make sure you are seen opening the bag, and if you must, eat a little of the contents to provide authenticity.  When others are not looking, abandon the healthy snack and eat your fill of all the other good, junky snacks that everyone else brought.  Sure, the initial investment could be high, but you can easily eat three times that cost in junky goods.  Leave the party sated and basking in eco-sensitive glory.  This can work at most social functions, but I caution against trying it at your next Crips meeting.

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3 Responses to “Clever Recipes for Savvy Folks”

  1. Blair Boone said

    Have you noticed you and Mr. Crow seem to attend too many parties with “odd factions”?

  2. crowbiz said

    No such thing as “too many”! And I may have spotted you at a couple of these, by the way.

    • Blair Boone said

      True enough — trying to keep the “odd faction” factor high enough to supply material for future posts.

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